“A girl should never give herself to boys that way, it’s stupid.”
A classmate remarked sharply as we saw the Joy Luck Club’s Rose and Ted kiss on screen.We were both turning 18. Her comment sent shivers down my spine. I’ve heard the same message multiple times: Guard your purity like a treasure. Yet, hearing this judgment echoed by someone my age, I fear that the cycle of sexual shame might be perpetuated by my own generation.
The cycle begins with misogynistic critique that stems from patriarchal structures of power. Yet, the critique causes self-hatred to gradually form in a woman’s heart only to be passed down through generations of women. In the Joy Luck Club, An-Mei said to her daughter: ” All of us like stairs, one step after another, going up, going down, but always going the same way.” As little girls, we first learn sexual shame from none other than our own mothers.
When I turned sixteen, my mom wrote me a letter saying: “All women should keep the pure fruit for their future husbands, as any transgressions will cause permanent damage to their future happiness.” As I read the letter, my mom looked at me with expectation; I shivered again. This is the kind of shiver her mom gave to her thirty years ago.
Yet passing down the weight of sexual shame to young women like us means that we are afraid to speak out if someone violates our sexuality. As a New York Times article “‘Me Too,’ Chinese Women Say. ‘Not so fast,’ say the Censors” details,Ms. Huang, who left her job after being harassed, pointed out that “many women were ashamed to speak out because of the stigma associated with [harassment].” Another DW article converses with Leta Hong Fincher, a Hong Kong-based sociologist, who said that the families of victimized women feel shame and discourage the victims from reporting or speaking out about their cases and getting the support they need.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. To all the women reading my letter, here is some advice on how to break the cycle of sexual shame:
Love and care for your body. It’s not a shame to experience sexual desire, and you are not dirty from having sex. Learn about sexual health, use protection, and go to the doctor for check-ups. If you are in a position to give advice to younger women, remember the power of your words.
The fight against sexual shame is a long-term war inside our minds. Realizing the problem is the first step. Not passing it on to others is the second. I start by writing this open letter; let’s see where you can start your own journey.
Sincerely,
A young woman
Sources
Lou 
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